Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
