Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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