i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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