Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
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