Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
