thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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