sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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