you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
