i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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