he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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