can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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