Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
