I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
