I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
