Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day šš#pensacolaproblems
You told him he ācould park his dick in your garageā.
Well he didnāt. It shouldnāt be this hard to get a penis.
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