Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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