Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
