Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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