ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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