He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i love accidental penises.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
