I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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