saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
