My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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