I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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