Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
