I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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