You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
