Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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