Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
