Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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