You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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