Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
