Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
