mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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