i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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