Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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