I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
