In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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