sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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