fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Randomize
