I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
