please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize