you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
