nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
