We're facebook friends in real life
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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