Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I think my moral compass just broke
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