I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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