i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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