there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
