just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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