Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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