Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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