So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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