why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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