dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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