I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
