My first STD was from a foam party
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
